Let go

I am constantly trying to better myself and be honest with myself. I want to grow and focus on what truly makes me happy. One thing I know is that I have a big need for silence and alone time. Trying to spend more time on what makes me feel good and less of what makes me sad. I am very sensitive when it comes to relationships / friendships. I am extremely delicate to exclusion and I analyze every little thing. Why didn't she invite me to this? How come I always have to reach out and invite? It is not good for me and I know it stems from a broken family bond I am suffering from. I am not loved or accepted by someone who I always wanted validation and unconditional love from. This tragedy is something I been carrying for many years now and I used to cry a lot. Almost every day. But now I am actually more angry instead. How I have been treated is unfair and I am out of patience and understanding for this kind of bullying. Next step is to move on but it is very hard for me. It truly is a battle for me. So therefore I have to get better at avoiding the people who makes me feel bad or sad from time to time. I need to protect myself from another rejection. This trauma has affected me so much, it actually led to stomach/colon disease because my anxiety issues.... I honestly wasn't planning to open up this much but it just happened. Writing is therapeutic and I have no problems with sharing my struggles. Life is not perfect.

So what makes me feel good? Well, first of all I need to make sure everyone in my closest circle is happy. I hate to argue and fight but sometimes that needs to happen. I also feel good when I am all caught up with work. Procrastinating is one of my less attractive sides, I do not like that about myself. So I feel great when I get things done and out of the way. Make sure the house is clean and fridge is full. It is really the small and simple things I truly need. No drama, a happy husband and do well at work. All those combined goes a long way for me. Cooking is one of hobbies and something I always look forward to. Having our dogs is also a big part of what makes me happy. Hopefully Cash can come here after Christmas.


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