Ok, so here is a VERY honest post. I have been thinking about how to express this for a while and if I should even share this at all...? I am just in a mood to write about something deeper than my regular day to day activities and let you in to something I carry with me deep inside. Something that has been with me for almost 25 years.
And that is a struggle with self esteem. Not self worth. Just my self esteem. It is a roller coaster and never seem to be stable. So what is the difference between self esteem and self worth. Well to me, my self worth means the person I am. My values and what I stand for. My heart and soul. My kindness and how I treat others. I would never ever want to be anyone else and I am proud of who I have become. I stand with both feet on the ground and I am very secure in my own personality. That will never change.
But my self esteem is how I perform. Can I really do this? Am I good enough at this? Public speaking. Seeing myself in videos. How I feel in my own skin. My body. My body type. I can give you one example. My breasts. I was the last one to develop curves in school (I was also 1 year younger than everyone) For that I was of course bullied by some of my classmates. Then suddenly, when I turned 18 my chest grew so fast - like overnight. I developed in a speed that made my skin break and I was bleeding. Ever since then my breasts have been a topic for discussion, jokes and attention. No matter what. I have been trying to make them appear smaller, I have tried to cover up in so many ways and I am fed up with always feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. And I am so tired of that. So tired of body shaming and body obsessions.
I am ready to embrace what makes me different and unique.
I want to believe that a seed was planted in my brain when I became "friends" with someone I went to school with. I was about 12 years old and the relationship with this girl continued after we graduated high school. At the time I was under the impression that this was one of by best friends but this is when it all started. I was constantly told how ugly my legs, feet, eyebrows, teeth, hair - you name it -was. Not only that, she constantly reminded me my clothes were outdated, my parents were old, ugly, out of fashion and stupid, that e were not rich enough and she always used to tell me that my own brother didn't love me. In her eyes I was such a embarrassing dork because I didn't drink alcohol and we were poor. I had nothing of value and the list goes on and on and on...
I remember sitting in my shower filing my feet until they bled because I was bullied over my big feet (I am a size 7.5/ 37.5). I remember trying to file my teeth down because I was constantly told that they were ugly. That is why I rarely smile and show my teeth in photos. It has just always stuck with me. It took me forever before I was confident enough to wear sandals or open toe shoes.
It was weird. I did also actually have fun with this evil person while the bullying went on here and there. Isn't that strange that you can be friendly and hang out with someone who constantly make you feel like shit about your self. But at that age I didn't know better. It was just normal to me.
That was the first interaction for me with mental abuse of this kind and I have endured it from many different people in different forms. I have had destructive and abusive relationships with men. To be called worthless, fat, disgusting and useless was normal for me. I wont go further into that but the truth is I am carrying open wounds because I have been hurt deeply.
My deepest cut caused by someone who is suppose to love me no matter what. This person is someone I looked up to my entire life. I hope Karma gets you because treating people like this is not human. You don't have a heart and you think you can treat people like SHIT. Learn how to apologize for your own fuck ups and believe me, you are not perfect either!
Even in my adult years I have put up with friendships that very much reminded me about my early years of being pushed down in my shoes. Often have I found myself being joked about on my expense and acting like it is all so funny but deep down inside I really absorbed it and it has effected how I see myself from time to time.
Why am I sharing this? I don't know. It is therapeutic for me to write and I am trying to heal from hurtful experiences I have endured.
My husband is the only one I ever opened up fully to and told everything. He knows everything, my entire story. I trust him fully.
When I opened up to him, he explained to me that I have been mentally and emotionally abused. But I have never seen it like that before. Not at all. It has taken me some time to digest his insight and really think about that point of view. I am not a victim but maybe I need to heal from abuse I just turned my back to.
How do I do that...?
Well, one foot in front of the other and I want to learn how to accept a compliment. Usually I brush it off and assume people say something nice just to be polite. When someone tell me something negative about myself I absorb that like a sponge. That is something I am trying to work on. I am also trying to embrace my body. Accept and welcome hat makes me unique and be open to the idea that MAYBE, just maybe... have I experienced this because the person who has been treating me like this are just feeling shitty about themselves. MAYBE did I have something that she wish she had...?
Could that be true?
I want to leave this off with a positive note, and again I want to express that this has not effected my self worth. I am my own best friend and I am very proud of where I have taken myself. Look at all my experiences and challenges I have faced solo. In my review mirror I have some very tough decisions I made and a library of painful memories. But without my strong backbone and a will of steel I would never be where I am today.
Happily married to a man who I am safe and content with. In a position within a company I am very proud to be a part of and living in the best city in the world! I am successful in many ways and maybe it is true what they say...?
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!